Firstly, I need to assure everyone that this is totally a work of fiction. The Prince of Monaco has NEVER follow-through farted, he is a respectable and well-groomed fella who would never stoop to such disgusting depths. I, on the other-hand, have… 12 times.
To give my future-readers more of an idea about the madness that is Busted Earth, the following is a (totally real) transcript of an interview of me, the author, by renowned celebrity interviewer, Ross Duggleby (me).
Ross: Ross, nice to meet you. I’m Ross.
Ross: Er, yeah… this is all very weird, but I guess I’ll run with it.
Ross: So, tell us why you like parmesan cheese so much.
Ross: Cheese? Is this really relevant to my book?
Ross: It’s all about finding the deep, primal desires that influence creativity.
Ross: Um, ok. Well, cheese is great… parmesan is the greatest. Simple as that.
Ross: What I take from that is that you have an urge to create new worlds and reinvent characters and situations in ways which people may not have previously encountered.
Ross: Er, yeah… who is interviewing who here? I’m confused.
Ross: I can sense that the original idea was borne out of a simple premise – what if all the typical sci-fi standards of Aliens, Bots and Zombies were mashed together in present day Earth and a story was invented to plausibly justify their cohabitation?
Ross: Yes, that’s pretty much–
Ross: You wanted to take each type of character and reinvent them in ways that nobody has ever imagined them before.
Ross: Well, they probably have, to be honest, somewhere…
Ross: So Aliens became visually identical, concentrated balls of energy with impenetrable grey skin, no eyes, ears, mouths or limbs–
Ross: or butts–
Ross: They are telepathically connected, cooperative in the way they move, connect into different arrangements, feed off the natural cosmic rays of the universe and manipulate objects by altering the forces of nature around them to create invisible manifestations of limbs and tools.
Ross: And they have really boring human names.
Ross: Did you not think that the fact they are all visibly identical and have zero external features would make the movie rights to your book almost impossible to sell?
Ross: Oh, a question… finally… well–
Ross: It was rhetorical.
Ross: Oh.
Ross: Zombies? They’re done to death aren’t they?
Ross: Not in the way–
Ross: But you recreated them, humanised them. Gave them a yearning and desperation which normal zombies don’t have. You made them into intellectually frustrated, decaying humans – victims of a terrible affliction – who are desperately clinging to the equally decaying humanity inside them.
Ross: Yes, I suppose I did.
Ross: And the robots–
Ross: I prefer ‘Bots’, it sounds cooler…
Ross: They are the ultimate result of humanity’s forays into technology that began when the first sub-human first picked up a stick and called it a tool.
Ross: I doubt that word was invented then.
Ross: The Bots are the end result of all of humanity’s creative pursuits and their emergence has created a phenomenon which is infinitely more vast and powerful than the human system and all its limitations of corporeal existence, selfishness and death–
Ross: …and in-growing toenails.
Ross: The Bots are in effect the progeny of humankind, just as humankind are the progeny of nature.
Ross: I don’t use so many big words in the book, I just sprinkle them around to sound clever sometimes.
Ross: But if the Bots are so all-powerful, why are they led by a little computer?
Ross: Um, well, just because it’s funny.
Ross: Oh, the book is supposed to be funny? I didn’t get that. Follow-through farting is a very serious issue.
Ross: Preaching to the choir, man… too many bad memories. Can I go now? All this talk of follow-through farting is making me need the loo.
Ross: Oh, just get out will you? I need to get editing the rest of the book ready for launch.
Ross: Aren’t I the author?
Ross: We all know who the true genius is here…
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